"A Character is what he DOES." -Donald Miller

Ok. I’m here. I showed up to the page. I didn’t want to, but I did…if you know what I mean. For months the same things have been swimming around in my head, but I’ve refused to let them out and onto the page. You see, something happens when you let a thought leave the recesses of your brain and it shows up on paper or a computer screen. It’s out there. You can’t take it back. It’s gone from a place you kept tucked away in your subconscious, and when that happens it makes it hard to ignore…and if you can’t ignore it, then you have to deal with it. And, as we all know “dealing with things” is usually never a pleasant experience-not in the middle anyway. Dealing with things means pain…loads and loads and loads of pain, and admission of guilt, cowardice, fear, and a gamut of other emotions. Dealing with things requires action, and action requires belief and faith. Action is usually where I stop. I stop because I’m afraid of what life will look like when it’s not neatly wrapped up in the paper and bows I’m used to…when the traces of the “control” I think I have are gone and I’m trusting Someone else. It’s like this image I keep seeing in my head of me sitting on top of a suitcase-the zippers are undone and all these beautiful unknown contents are beginning to creep out. Instead of opening it I keep bouncing around and using all my might to try and keep it closed. I keep asking myself “Why would I want to do that? Why am I so afraid of the treasures that lay hidden inside of it?” I think it’s a combination of things…fear of the unknown, obviously, but sometimes I think fear of success. Success brings expectations not only from yourself, but from other people, and now you have something to lose. I also think I try and keep the suitcase closed because opening it up would mean letting go of the pain from my past and choosing something new, choosing to be happy. Pain definitely serves a purpose and is not always bad, but it can be when we choose to identify ourselves as our pain instead of it being a mere ‘part’ of us…we let it become our definer, which is wrong. God is the only definer of who I am and who you are. And, truthfully, sometimes it feels easier to play the victim and sit in our pain than to work through it and have to take action toward healing and a new life. I think we have to realize that walking forward and becoming whole and being healed doesn’t negate your pain, your past, or what you’ve been through. On the contrary, it is the foundation God uses to build us back up and weave His character into us so we know the hope we have and who that hope comes from. Every breath is a second chance for redemption, and honestly I’m sick of wasting it trying to wait for the right time and perfect conditions and blah blah blah. The truth is that this side of heaven we’ll never be perfect-it’s just not going to happen, BUT that doesn’t mean it’s ok to settle for mediocrity. The dictionary defines mediocre as “only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate.” These are not the words I want describing my life, but these are the words I’ve been settling for, and I’m done.

I’m done playing it safe. I was meant for a life of adventure, full of great scenes and full of people and places I love. Somewhere along the way I swallowed a bunch of lies that led me to believe something different, but I’m purging those out of my system now. I’m choosing life, and life abundantly-that’s what Jesus said He wants to give me so I would be a fool not to choose it. That doesn’t mean life will be easy or that there won’t be suffering or pain, but there will be life… and a story worth telling.

I won’t lie. I don’t know what it looks like other than moving one foot in front of the other…forward motion-one step at a time. As they saying goes “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Of course, the problem with that for a recovering perfectionist is that I want to begin with 500 steps all at once…but I only have two feet, and so do you. We need to remember to give ourselves grace and stop running and hiding when things don’t go perfectly or we don’t know what to do. There are many mountains to be moved in our daily lives and in the world around us, but I truly believe that if we adjust our minds and are present in our lives and allow God to work, He will. For me, it also means not running and hiding at the first sign of trouble or tension in my life. This will be new for me, and hard I’m sure, but I will still choose life because it’s worth it. As Switchfoot says,

“Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through, to let me fall for you, my love?

Do you love me enough to let me go?”

I haven’t been able to let go until now because I didn’t love myself enough or believe I was worth it, but now I know I am…and when you really know that you can’t go back-you just can’t.

So, I will show up to the page of my life and write scenes everyday. Some days I’ll be on fire and some days I’ll be a mess, but I’ll still be here, still fighting-because the world needs my story…and in case I haven’t made it abundantly clear- it needs yours too.

Let’s start writing.

“People get stuck, thinking they are one kind of person, but they aren’t.”

–Don Miller “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”

“But it’s like I said before, about writers not really wanting write. We have to force ourselves to create these scenes. We have to get up off the couch and turn the television off, we have to blow up the inner-tubes and head to the river. We have to write the poem and deliver it in person. We have to pull the car off the road and hike to the top of the hill. We have to put on our suits, we have to dance at weddings. We have to make altars.” –Don Miller “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.

– Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life)

Little Affairs of the Heart...

The past week has been really tough. I've let my mind go places I hadn't visited in quite some time. It started out with a few doubts and quickly escalated into a whirlwind and frenzy that I seemingly had no control over (a lie I fall for often).

I took control of my heart back (thought I'm realizing I've never fully handed it over-ever)...I've been self-medicating with music, movies, food and books-anything to give my heart a little jolt of what it feels like it's missing. The high is only temporary and soon after I need another "hit" to make things bearable. I've always known this to be unhealthy (escapism), but wasn't sure how else to cope with the pain. I was reading Captivating last night (I think this is the 3rd time...) and was knocked on my butt my something I'd heard before, but never really got. When I use these various things to "feed" the longings of my heart, I'm essentially telling God He can't fix it, He's holding out on me and that His love just isn't enough-I've got to take things into my own hands. And, ironically enough, all these things do is further divorce me from my heart and numb me out. Instead I should be dealing with the real heartache and turning to God. Ouch. Did you hear that? I just got smacked upside the head with a 2x4. But, seriously...this hit me so hard because that's what I've done pretty much my whole life..."numbing out" is an extreme addiction-I dare say as potent as any other addiction and maybe more so because it seems harmless at the time. Now, let me be clear-I'm not saying movies, music, books, food, etc. are bad, but what I am saying is that using them to try and fill a longing or heartache is. There are plenty of things to learn and enjoy from all of these things, but they aren't meant to replace your relationship with God, but sadly it happens-I'm a prime example.
Quitting is going to be tough, very tough. This quote from Captivating continues to tug at my heartstrings...

“The ways we find to numb our aches, our longings, and our pain are not benign. They are malignant. They entangle themselves in our souls like a cancer and, once attached, become addictions that are both cruel and relentless. Though we seek them out for a little relief from the sorrows of life, addictions turn on us and imprison us in chains that separate us form the heart of God and others as well. It is a lonely prison of our own making, each chain forged in the fire of our indulgent choice. Yet, “Our lovers have so intertwined themselves with our identity that to give them up feels like personal death…We wonder if it is possible to live without them (The Sacred Romance).” -John & Stasi Eldredge

A personal death. Awesome. But, I have to do it if I have any hope at recovering my heart and having an open and honest relationship with God, my family, friends and my future husband. And, I've got to stop hiding...got to.

“Like Eve after she tasted the forbidden fruit, we women hide. We hide behind our makeup. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and punishing withdrawals. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe. We act in self-protective ways and refuse to offer what we truly see, believe, and know. We will not risk rejection or looking like a fool. We have spoken in the past and been met with blank stares and mocking guffaws. We will not do it again. We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, or hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don’t return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts. And it has never occurred to us that in all our hiding, something precious is also lost—something the world needs from us so very, very much.” -Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

I can't even imagine what it will be like to live without these "little affairs of the heart." It's probably going to hurt...a lot...and get worse before it gets better, but I will rejoice because I know that suffering produces endurance, character and hope...all three of which I desperately need. Living this way requires total trust and faith in God-allowing every fiber of my heart to be searched and vulnerable. That idea literally makes my stomach turn flips...but I guess that's what love is-you allow someone full access to your heart knowing they may break it, but counting the cost too high not to let them in. That isn't to say that I think God will break my heart or hurt me, but being that open with Him will inevitably bring up things that I would rather leave hidden in the dark.

So, I guess the question remains-how am I going to do this after so many years of numbing myself-almost always on autopilot? Well, first I've got to relinquish control and trust Him. And, second (this one is gonna hurt) is to not check my heart and brain at the door. I've got to ask myself as I go throughout my day, 'Am I doing this because it is beneficial/I actually like it/I want to be entertained/learn,etc. or 'Am I just trying to distract myself or mask some pain in my heart?' This means I've got to become comfortable with silence and still fingers again. Sometimes just stopping to sit still and just listen teaches the greatest lessons we can learn. Lastly, it also means that I have to respect and take better care of myself. I can sit all my baggage down-leave it on the porch and walk through door and see what's on the other side. If I want to move forward-to have the life I've dreamed of and be all that God intended for me to be then I've got to reconnect with my whole heart and not just the pieces I deem 'acceptable'. Jesus died for all of me-not bits and pieces. It's going to hurt like hell, and before it's over I'll probably be begging for 'When Harry Met Sally' and a piece of cake (with extra frosting!), but bear with me-the labor pains will inevitably cease, giving way to my newly stitched up heart.


PS-Please feel free to hold me accountable to this-that's part of the reason I'm sharing it with you!
Found this on etsy.com a while back-wish I could remember whose it is-sorry! If it's yours let me know so I can give you credit!!

The Morning After...

I’ve been bracing for it the past few days…knowing that just like every other time, it would knock me on my ass and leave me wondering if I’m making the right choices. It usually starts when I get to the airport and quietly nags at my mind during the five hour flight back to LA. I try to distract it by watching movies and reading--just push it into a corner to pull back out later when it can no longer be avoided. I get to my apartment and can usually numb out some more-go through mail, unpack, and let the inevitable jetlag overtake me. But when my eyes open eightish hours later, I quickly feel the surge of ‘the morning after’ and just want to curl up in a ball and go back to sleep and avoid reality.

The thing is, every time I go home I feel flooded by a paradox of emotions that continue to play with my mind on and off throughout my trip. I start out strong-having just come from my life in LA-full of hopes and dreams and plans for the future and then my minds switches to doubt and questions if the cost of my dreams is worth being apart from my family, friends, and the place I love? I always come to the same conclusion…yes!! Not because I value my dreams more than I value my family, friends and home, but because I know it’s what God has called me to and I know they love me and want me to be happy, regardless of what location that brings me to. So, does that make it any easier? Maybe a little, but I still struggle with the choices I’m making. In some ways things seem simpler to an extent-after I realized that I needed to stop trying please everyone and just please God and be true to who He made me to be. This is easier said than done of course. I often feel lonely in the path I’m on-how do you explain to people the passion you have inside for things they have no passion for? How do you make them understand that there is no “plan b”-this is it and you just know that God has something big up His sleeve for you to do? I guess when it comes down to it that isn’t my responsibility and I don’t need to worry about it. I just have to be obedient and do what I know is right for me.

Even having said all that, I fully expect to be in a sort of homesick funk for the next few days to a week. I’ll continue to question my reasons for being here…evaluate if I’m really happy and if this life in LA is what I really want, etc. I’ll poke and prod around my mind and heart, and once again (like every time in the past) I’ll know I’m in the right place doing the right things. That doesn’t mean the pain of missing my family goes away or that I am okay with missing milestones in their lives, or even everyday stories in my friends’ lives. It hurts to know I’m missing out in these ways, but I have to have faith that something bigger is at work and there is a purpose to all of this. It’s strange to drive through your hometown and see how much has changed since your last visit just six months ago. On the flip side, it is so encouraging to know that in a lot of ways, I am a different person than the one who left there almost two years ago. And, even though I have no idea what’s next and I barely have a penny to my name- I can honestly say this is the most I’ve ever felt like myself, and not been afraid to express myself to the world. Figuring out and growing into the woman God created me to be has been such an amazing journey-full of ups and downs. And, even though there are problems and issues to be dealt with I feel truly at peace knowing that I am loved and will be taken care of. I am so thankful that even though there were times that I turned away from God and didn’t listen to Him-He never stopped seeking after me. It was His refusal to let go that has me sitting here and writing this.

So, where does that leave me? Well, I guess all this just means I’m normal-I have doubts and fears like everyone else. The path I’m on isn’t the easiest, but it certainly isn’t the hardest when you think about so many less fortunate in the world. I feel like there is so much I want to say, and for whatever reason can’t seem to get a coherent though together tonight, so I’ll end with this…I love my family, friends and South Carolina deeply. I love my life and friends in Los Angeles deeply. These two do not have to be mutually exclusive…just because I live here doesn’t mean I love my family or friends any less…they are my home and the people who have helped shape me into the person I am. So, I’ll carry that with me here in LA and look forward to those times I do get to spend with them, and then when I’m here stay focused on the journey God has for me and not let doubt cloud my vision.

I’m not sure if any of that even made sense…if it didn’t blame the jetlag! Goodnight!

Edisto Island, SC