say what you need to say...

hello, dear readers. yes, it is me...i haven't fallen off the face of the earth contrary to popular belief. i know it has been a month and a half since my last blog and a lot of people have been asking why i haven't been writing. honestly, i've started writing this blog several times over the last 7 weeks but each time after i get past the first sentence or two i just stop. there has been so much going on in my head, but as you will learn if you haven't already figured out- i am an internalizer. sometimes this is a good thing, but most of the time it isn't. most of the time it is used as a defense mechanism to keep myself busy and distracted from what is really going on with me and/or i do it because i don't want to burden other people with my problems. my inner monologue seems to tell me that compared to most people in the world there is nothing wrong with my life and i don't need to complain about it or burden other people with my issues because they have plenty of their own. i have recently come to realize, however, that this is not the right attitude to have. i mean, sure, comparatively speaking my life is amazing, especially when i think about and consider those who live in third world countries or even those in our own country who are less fortunate, BUT the fact that i am blessed with a great life, family and friends doesn't mean that i shouldn't be able to express my thoughts, fears, insecurities, etc. to the world. don't get me wrong i'm not talking about throwing myself a pity party, but what i am saying is that i shouldn't be afraid to speak openly and confront the "issues" i'm dealing with in my life and i shouldn't be afraid to let my family and friends who love me so much be a part of the process. i've realized more and more lately that they WANT to be here for me and are rooting me on in my life's journey... so why not give myself a little break and let them help me out just by listening or offering advice? there is no reason not too so i'm going to start making a concerted effort to be more open with people and stop hiding in myself. i deserve to be heard just like anyone else and i've got to start believing in that and myself more. as you can see, there has been a lot brewing around in my head recently and trying to explain it to everyone always overwhelms me because i'm afraid i won't relay it properly and effectively. this past week i was reading back over some of my journal entries and i think they summed up pretty well what has been going on so i'm going to let you into my head even more...

November 6, 2007
"I've come to the conclusion that if I'm ever going to go anywhere in my life and grow at all I've got to stop hiding in myself and actually face the demons that are plaguing me. I've continued to stuff my emotions deep down in my soul and now they are all starting to catch up with me at once. I honestly thought I was ready for this big change and move, but now I'm starting to wonder if I'm ready now or will ever be ready for something new. I thought I was ready to embrace change but the truth is that I'm frozen in place. Everything I was dealing with back at home has just followed me here. I changed geographic locations but my heart has not moved. It is still unconfident, scared, confused and honestly I don't know what to do anymore. I don't understand why I don't believe in myself or why I'm becoming increasingly aware that I don't like the person staring back at me in the mirror. I feel like there is this whole other side of myself just waiting to come out, but I'm not sure how to let it. I really just want to let go of my inhibitions and feel free to express myself, but something or somethings are stopping me. I think fear is a big factor- fear of failure and looking foolish. I thought I was stronger than this and I feel disappointed in myself. I'm not working like I need to be on my career & I think the reason is that I'm afraid that even if I work really hard I still won't be good enough and I'll have to go home and live a life that doesn't make me fulfilled and happy. In other words I guess I'm delaying the inevitable- the point in time that will come where it will be blazingly clear that I either need to forge ahead with music or call it a day. I fear the later so I just fly under the radar until that moment comes. I'm not happy with this existence though- in fact it drives me flipping mad. I know I need to tone down the perfectionism and just start trying and see what happens- I might be pleasantly surprised if I just TRY.
I feel so overwhelmed too and am not sure where to start- there are a lot of things that need attention in my life and figuring out how to try and balance them and give them all the attention they need. I know I need to change my attitude and be positive about my life. There are SO many amazing opportunities that I've been given & I need to take full advantage of them. I know without a doubt that I'm supposed to be here right now, which is what makes it so hard when things aren't "easy." I guess I'm in the middle of another growing and stretching time where my perseverance will ultimate bring me into the character I am to develop and carry with me throughout life and this crazy business.
I think once I develop a community and friendships here life will also improve. I am lonely and I know Laura must be too- we're each dealing with the same emotions so while we can be there for each other and we understand the other's pain, it is hard for us to encourage each other to push on because we haven't been through this before and don't know what to expect. I am so thankful that she is here though- if I was doing this with a complete stranger and someone not from SC who didn't understand my background and upbringing it would be so much harder.
I pray that we could find a place to plug in and find friends who will nurture and support us through this critical time. I'm also really thankful for this opportunity to work with Willie Wisely. He has been in this business for years and can offer me so much knowledge. This will definitely be an invaluable experience."

November 18, 2007

"Ok, God I'm lost. I'm so lost I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I'm drowning here and I desperately need you to come and save me.
What is wrong with me? Why don't I have faith in myself and in you that I'm on the right path? Why do I insist on believing that I have nothing to offer to the world? In my head I know better, but my heart is lagging behind and not allowing me to move forward. I feel like I must be here for some reason but this whole thing is a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be. I miss my family, my friends, my dog and I'm starting to wonder why I'm here in the first place. Why did I ever want to do this and is it worth being away from the people I love so much? I need to know that you love me, I want to do what you want for my life-whatever that is. Maybe music isn't it at all...I honestly don't know anymore. But I do know that you opened a LOT of doors for me to be here so there must be a reason in all the madness I'm feeling.
I just feel like such a failure and I don't want to be a failure. I feel like I've worked so hard in so many ways to get to this point and now I don't know what to do with it and I'm just sabotaging myself. I'm not eating right or exercising or practicing enough and I don't know why. Maybe it is that I get the feeling that what I'm doing isn't really valid as a career choice- it isn't a doctor or lawyer or teacher. I'm so afraid to open up my heart and show people what is inside....why? I want to be confident in who I am and I thought I knew who I was but now I'm not so sure. I don't like who I see staring back at me in the mirror.
I don't want to be selfish and I feel like the only person I ever think about these days is me and how hard my life is. When really tons of people would LOVE to be where I am....in the middle of my dream. I really want to have more faith- to know there is a master plan and these hard times will eventually pass. It hasn't felt like it lately, but I do know that I have a great heart. I care a lot about other people and just want to make people happy- and sometimes that can be bad because I become too attached to their praise or what they think of me. I would love to find the freedom where none of that matters.....
These years since college have been so hard for me trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in. My dreams were different than my friends and I didn't get married or fall in love and all those things have kept me wondering WHY am I so different? Why doesn't a man love me? I know his love would not be the end all be all, but to know you are desired is something I haven't really had a lot of in my life. And though I don't ever really admit it to anyone out loud I wonder if such a man exists that I could love and in turn he would love me too. It seems such a far fetched idea at this point. And, I know I'm young, but I worry about my lack of experience in this area and how it will affect my life. Clearly I have intimacy issues...how do I fix that? I have been given this one chance at my life and my dream and I'm sitting here squandering it away. I don't want to let this moment pass me by, but HOW do I change? HOW do I move past my fears of inadequacy and rejection?....
I've noticed that I run away when things get hard and I would like to turn that around and start running towards my life whether it is easy or hard. I will not be perfect, and that is OK....I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Rome wasn't built in a day and greatness isn't built over night- it is a PROCESS...a long, hard, wonderful and beautiful process."

sigh. i can't believe i actually let you all in like that, but i'm really glad that i did. i want to start being an open book because i feel like we all have so much to learn from each other. and for those of us who are "artists" of any kind know that the reason we do what we do is because we love it and we love how it connects us and communicates to others. for so long i've thought what can i possibly say that will help someone else because i don't have a clue about life more than anyone else, but now i'm realizing that it doesn't matter. people want someone they can relate to- someone who is real and struggles with the same things they do...and this is how i think i may be able to contribute to others lives- by just living mine openly and honestly and letting them know they aren't alone in their feelings/life. i think for so long i've worn a mask to cover up who i am or how i'm feeling to accommodate other people, and i see now that while in the short run it may have been okay, it has escalated into me becoming a person who has a hard time trusting people with her heart and what she really is and what she thinks. unfortunately, i think there is too much "masquerading" going on in our society today and why so many people feel disconnected from each other. for instance, how many times a day do you ask someone "how are you?" and when you ask are you hoping for a real, truthful response or are you merely asking because it's "what you do". i mean if we're being honest, how many of us want to hear that something other than "good," "fine," etc. if someone actually said something else we might actually fall over out of shock or maybe we might not even notice because we're so accustomed to hearing those one word "i'm okay" answers. i don't know, maybe i'm wrong, but this is just want i've observed in my world....people don't open up to other people because we all seem so consumed with our own lives that we don't seem to notice when other's are struggling and hurting and they certainly don't want to be a burden to us (and believe i'm talking to myself here as well). i say all of this because i just want us to all be more mindful in our relationships whether it is our family, good friends or new acquaintances and strangers... everyone deserves to be loved and heard!

well, i certainly wasn't expecting to say all that, but i'm glad i did. i like letting out what i'm feeling and even crying about it because after i've gotten it out i always feel so much better and then feel like i can move on and keep going. i know this isn't the typical upbeat and fun LA blog i do but i felt it was important to say. this has been a very hard, but good and growing time for me these last 10 weeks. i have no idea what the future holds, but i fully expect it to continue to push me to grow as a person and i am thankful for that. before i go, i would like to leave you with a couple anecdotal vignettes of fun and not so fun things we have done in LA recently so here we go:

*the never ending restaurant hunt/"Wicked"*

so, last weekend me and laura decided that we would NOT stay in and watch another project runway or america's next top model marathon! instead we decided that we would go and see "wicked" at the pantages theater in hollywood. i've heard rave reviews of the show and wanted to see it for a while as had laura so we decided now was a good a time as any. we bought fab seats via ticketmaster late in the afternoon and then decided we would dress up and go to dinner beforehand. before we left we tried to pick a place to eat by looking online but it wasn't much help so we just decided we would walk around and find something once we parked in hollywood. let me please advise you now, don't EVER just think you can find somewhere in hollywood, especially if you're 2 young women in dresses and heels. luckily, i had on wedges so it wasn't too bad for me to walk a lot, but poor laura had on regular heels...eek. after traipsing up and down hollywood blvd. and many side streets we took a flyer from a girl for a restaurant around the corner....we should have known by the name (the forbidden city) that it would not end well, but nevertheless (because we were so freakin' hungry...we hadn't had a real meal all day and it was 6:30pm) we went in and we waited....and waited...and waited for about 5-10 minutes before anyone even showed up to the hostess stand. finally a guy appeared and seated us and as we were walking through the dining room me and laura were both weirded out. the place just had the creepiest vibe. so anyway, we sat down and the first thing i notice is that there is some mystery sticky "stuff" stuck to the front of my menu and it has a hair stuck to it...it was tres nasty. then i look at my plate and it isn't clean either...ugh. as we begin to inspect the menu laura notices the "tag line" of the restaurant on the top of the menu is "eat.drink.sin." i wish i had a picture of this place or had taken video so you could really grasp how strange it was but alas i do not. just take my word for it. anyway, it got even worse because another 15 minutes after we sat down a waiter finally came and took our order and when we received our food shortly thereafter we decided we couldn't stay at this place or eat the food any longer. laura's food was cold and mine tasted lukewarm and like it had been poured out of a bag from the grocery store and reheated (it was a chinese place, but the owner nor any workers were chinese). we told the waiter our grievances and he got the manager who came over and very creepily said he was sorry and for us not to worry about the check. they didn't offer to try to fix it or anything just "i apologize" and that was all. me and laura high tailed it out that place and around the corner to a small deli where i managed to stuff down a turkey sandwich before we had to leave for the show. luckily, the show, "wicked" did not let us down. it was all kinds of amazing....great singers, actors, production, music, etc. etc. if you get a chance to see it you definitely should. for those of you who don't know anything about it i will just say that it is a twist on "the wizard of oz" where you get to see a different point of view of the story told from glenda and the wicked witch. laura told me before we saw it that i would never think of or see the movie/story the same after i saw the show and she was right, but i loved it and it reminded me why i love music/acting so much and why i want to be out here.
it was definitely inspiration and encouraging! i was also happy after it was over because me and laura got in 'n out burgers and weren't starving anymore :)

*american gladiators*
yesterday, the majority of my day was spent at sony studios in culver city. why, you may ask? was i cast in a new and upcoming movie? nope, i'm afraid not haha, but i did get the opportunity to watch a taping of "american gladiators" which is being brought back by NBC in January. as you will start to see, because of the WGA strike, for better or for worse (for worse mostly in my opinion) reality tv will be taking over your tv set next month. but i digress from that issue....the reason i got to go to the taping is because a friend of mine from high school has a sister who is one of the gladiators. my friend Zakiya (who i had not seen in almost 9 years since graduation!) lives in san fransisco and was coming up to LA to see her sister and see the taping...she knew i lived in LA now and asked if me and Laura wanted to come along. we arrived at the studio at 2:30pm and waited around for a couple hours because the taping schedule had been switched around a bit and everyone was at lunch. in the downtime we walked around a bit, met her sister Tanji (Gladiator name: Stealth) one of the producers and the actual creator of the show too. then we ended up sitting around forever while they were setting up for the next event. then finally hulk hogan and laila ali who are the hosts of the show came out and taped some promos, intros and interviews and then finally we got to watch them tape the event "hang tough". i don't think i can succinctly explain it so you will just have to watch i suppose. the episode we watched being taped was the semi-finals so it will be near the end of the season of episodes. we actually didn't even stay until the end of it...we left at 7pm because we had already been there 5 hours and hadn't had food and were starving and they weren't even close to being done. i was also ready to leave because of the row of intoxicated guys behind us who were being loud, obnoxious, sexist and rude. i could write a whole blog about that, but that is for another day! Needless to say it was interesting and fun in parts and who knows maybe you'll see a spec of me in the audience when it airs.

well, i guess i'm going to finally wrap it up. thanks to those of you who stuck around until the end :) i'm glad i finally took the time to sit down and get this stuff off my chest. i would like to leave you with the lyrics and a youtube video of my favorite song at the moment. it is a new song by john mayer called "say" (hence my blog title). he wrote it for the upcoming movie "The Bucket List" starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson...the movie looks great and i can't wait to see it. i hope you enjoy it...it certainly inspired me this week!
take care until next time....love you all!

-b




"Say" by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...Say what you need to say

Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to, Say what you need to...
Say what you need to say.

PS- Here is a picture of the Christmas decorations in our apartment (sorry for the crappy quality and angle- to save time i took it with my internal webcam). We put up the tree a couple weeks ago after Thanksgiving but it wasn't complete until my fabulous friends sent me a care package this past week with all kinds of amazing things that helped lift my spirits and put me in the Christmas mood. Thanks SO much to Ashley, Emily, Katherine & Dawn for everything!! I love you guys so much and will see you in 10 days! :)