head over heels...just twirling in my skirt!

I know I haven't written a blog in almost a year, but I feel compelled to share some things that have been going on in my life. A lot of things have been changing for the better, and growth, healing and restoration are happening now. I wanted to wait to "bring back" my blog until I had a pretty new layout with cool widgets and other fun stuff, but the truth is if I keep waiting for that "perfect time" this will never get written and it needs to be said. You may not agree with the things I have to say, and that's ok-I'm just sharing because I have a feeling it may help some of you and because God told me to share. So here you go...a few excerpts from my journal over the past week.

April 4, 2009

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind...an absolutely fabulous, twirl-in-circles 'til your skirt floats, whirlwind. If you're anyone other than me and watched from the outside you may not notice anything extraordinary surface wise-except maybe I've been smiling more, singing to myself and just generally flitting about with joy like that of a girl who's been asked out on a date for the first time. And, in a way, I have. After 28 years on this earth I have finally experienced in my heart the kind of love I've longed for-the love of the Creator, my Creator. For those of you who know me well that may sound shocking considering I've been a Christian for over 15 years. But somewhere in all the hustle and bustle and my constant need to strive for perfectionism and approval I unknowingly allowed my faith to be tied to my righteousness instead of God's grace. As Christians it's so easy to do and in our heads we often overlook the symptoms of this problem because in our heads we know we're saved by grace, but making that faith translate to an experiential heart matter is another story. It's often so much easier to put on a smiling face and pay lip service to the Gospel of Grace, meanwhile numbing our hearts and distancing ourselves from God because we don't measure up. And this is where we fail because we are now participating in religion instead of relationship. My pastor recently preached on this subject and wisely pointed out that religion is self focused-"what can I do?" instead of being in a two way relationship with God who adores you....you!!! I have to say it twice because it is vitally important to our relationship with Jesus. We must freely accept his love and grace of the Gospel and let that faith take deep roots in our heart if we want to have the hope and joy in our lives that He intended. There is NOTHING you can do to make Him love you more or less-He just loves YOU! He died for YOU because He is so very fond of you and me. When you let that truth penetrate your heart your life WILL be forever changed. Like so many I've had this head knowledge for a long, long time, but I never really got it until recently. About 2 months ago I started seeing a Christian counselor to work through issues I have with self-worth, image, trust, intimacy, God's plan for my life, etc., etc. My counselor has been such an encouragement to me and has such an amazing heart and ministry for seeing people be healed and restored into the people God intended them to be. I bring this up because I'm sick of lies and hiding. It benefits no one to pretend they have it all together when secretly they are hanging on by a thread. Trust and transparency are necessary if we want to be healed and restored by Jesus. If you don't unclench your fist from around your heart He won't have the opportunity to heal it from the inside out. And, rest assured that I can attest-you want to be healed by The Healer. He is only explanation I can offer for the heart transplant I've received. For years I've believed the lies of the world and Satan that I wasn't good enough or lovable because I didn't look a certain way, have a certain personality, fit in with a certain group of people, or have certain talents. I felt like no one really got me. I hid the parts of me with wild, extravagant dreams because I thought they were just that-dreams. Even my family and best friends were kept in the dark of the silent recesses of my heart that cried out for the great adventure God called me to. I knew He had a plan I just couldn't fully believe and receive that He wanted me to go on it with Him. I believed the lies for far too long. I've had enough and I hope you have too. I would love to tell you that making this heart change is quick and easy-like ripping off a band aid, but the truth is that anything worth something is going to cost you. There is no magic sermon, song, or story that is going to heal the broken places in your heart, but God does use those things along the journey of recovering your heart. More to the point-this decision is going to require work-lots and lots of relationship work between us and Him. It means we can't shy away when something painful happens or is brought up-we have to face the emotions head on, surrender them and ask Him to heal us, and He will, believe me! it comes back to what you've probably heard you're whole life if you're a Christian- it's all about relationship and that's the truth. He wants you...just you...the way you are-accepting His grace freely knowing there is nothing you can ever offer Him in return that will even the playing field. You are His beloved and He is yours-the most Sacred Romance. He longs to romance your heart and show you the world through His eyes and how much He loves you. These past two weeks for me have been amazing. I've learned so much from God and in places I probably wouldn't have looked or suspected before. I am an artist at heart (I can't tell you how freeing it is to type that-something I've shied away from declaring for so long-afraid of what people would think-that I'm a phony) so it seems only fitting that He use those avenues to convey His love to me. I hear Him in songs, movies, books, and His beautiful creation all around me. A few months ago when the Twilight (stop groaning and just bare with me) craze started I didn't pay attention and wrote the story off as a silly tween romance that held no interest for me. After the coaxing of some friends I finally bought the book at Target because it was on sale. When I got home I tossed it on the bed side table and didn't think about it again. I'd heard how addicting the books were and I didn't have time for another unhealthy piece of art escapism in my life-thus, the book sat and sat there collecting dust until 2 Sundays ago. I heard that the movie was out on DVD so I figured I would watch it first and then see if I wanted to to invest in a 4 book series (we're talking over 2000 pages here!). I watched the movie and though I admit it has it's flaws, my heart was captured by the story and I fell in love with it and it's characters. It only took me a week to get through all 4 books. I know it isn't for everyone,but that isn't the point-the point is that I found God and huge life lessons in a story about a young girl falling in love with a vampire of all things. It's easy to make assumptions about a story like this if you aren't looking for more than what the surface has to offer, but I was...I always am. I realize as I get older and grow in my faith that no matter how much we may want to try and quantify God or put Him in a box-He simply doesn't belong there and won't fit no matter how hard we try to make Him. This has been my experience with Twilight. It would probably sound ludicrous to the average person to hear me say that God taught me so much about myself, Himself, His love and our human nature through a "secular" vampire/human love story, but it's true all the same. I have connected with this story more than anything in a long time. The biggest lesson I learned was about God's love for me-individually. I've always had a hard time grasping in my heart His love for me as His beloved. Because of human nature I've always associated love with some sort of proverbial price tag-not necessarily that you had to earn it, but that you had to be a certain way to deserve it and receive it-both of which are total lies. The whole point of love (especially God's love) is that it is without condition...it accepts you as you are. Not what you think you should be , but what you are at this moment. He just wants to love you because you're you...not because of anything else attached to you, but just your essence...sigh- so rich and deep-it takes my breath away and makes my heart sing. And, this my friends is why I fell in love with Twilight. Edward is a vampire who has super strength, power, speed, can read minds and is breathtakingly beautiful. He could choose any woman he wants, but he chooses Bella. Bella who is pretty, but not in the most obvious ways. And she's terribly clumsy, introverted, shy, etc. Not who you would picture Edward choosing. But He does choose her because He loves who she is-her essence. She feels unworthy to be chosen by Edward, but accepts Him. To me it was a picture of how God loves me-just as I am-regardless of the superficial. There's more I've learned from this Twilight world, but I already think I've rambled long enough for one night....plus it will keep you wondering what else I've got up my sleeve, right? Just nod your head yes! I'm going to get some rest now, but thanks for reading-it means a lot that you would spend your time listening to my thoughts. And, I promise you can count on many more blogs to come as I'm an aspiring "open book" and a recovering "bottle-upper". I hope that makes sense. ha. Goodnight & Happy Easter!