The Morning After...

I’ve been bracing for it the past few days…knowing that just like every other time, it would knock me on my ass and leave me wondering if I’m making the right choices. It usually starts when I get to the airport and quietly nags at my mind during the five hour flight back to LA. I try to distract it by watching movies and reading--just push it into a corner to pull back out later when it can no longer be avoided. I get to my apartment and can usually numb out some more-go through mail, unpack, and let the inevitable jetlag overtake me. But when my eyes open eightish hours later, I quickly feel the surge of ‘the morning after’ and just want to curl up in a ball and go back to sleep and avoid reality.

The thing is, every time I go home I feel flooded by a paradox of emotions that continue to play with my mind on and off throughout my trip. I start out strong-having just come from my life in LA-full of hopes and dreams and plans for the future and then my minds switches to doubt and questions if the cost of my dreams is worth being apart from my family, friends, and the place I love? I always come to the same conclusion…yes!! Not because I value my dreams more than I value my family, friends and home, but because I know it’s what God has called me to and I know they love me and want me to be happy, regardless of what location that brings me to. So, does that make it any easier? Maybe a little, but I still struggle with the choices I’m making. In some ways things seem simpler to an extent-after I realized that I needed to stop trying please everyone and just please God and be true to who He made me to be. This is easier said than done of course. I often feel lonely in the path I’m on-how do you explain to people the passion you have inside for things they have no passion for? How do you make them understand that there is no “plan b”-this is it and you just know that God has something big up His sleeve for you to do? I guess when it comes down to it that isn’t my responsibility and I don’t need to worry about it. I just have to be obedient and do what I know is right for me.

Even having said all that, I fully expect to be in a sort of homesick funk for the next few days to a week. I’ll continue to question my reasons for being here…evaluate if I’m really happy and if this life in LA is what I really want, etc. I’ll poke and prod around my mind and heart, and once again (like every time in the past) I’ll know I’m in the right place doing the right things. That doesn’t mean the pain of missing my family goes away or that I am okay with missing milestones in their lives, or even everyday stories in my friends’ lives. It hurts to know I’m missing out in these ways, but I have to have faith that something bigger is at work and there is a purpose to all of this. It’s strange to drive through your hometown and see how much has changed since your last visit just six months ago. On the flip side, it is so encouraging to know that in a lot of ways, I am a different person than the one who left there almost two years ago. And, even though I have no idea what’s next and I barely have a penny to my name- I can honestly say this is the most I’ve ever felt like myself, and not been afraid to express myself to the world. Figuring out and growing into the woman God created me to be has been such an amazing journey-full of ups and downs. And, even though there are problems and issues to be dealt with I feel truly at peace knowing that I am loved and will be taken care of. I am so thankful that even though there were times that I turned away from God and didn’t listen to Him-He never stopped seeking after me. It was His refusal to let go that has me sitting here and writing this.

So, where does that leave me? Well, I guess all this just means I’m normal-I have doubts and fears like everyone else. The path I’m on isn’t the easiest, but it certainly isn’t the hardest when you think about so many less fortunate in the world. I feel like there is so much I want to say, and for whatever reason can’t seem to get a coherent though together tonight, so I’ll end with this…I love my family, friends and South Carolina deeply. I love my life and friends in Los Angeles deeply. These two do not have to be mutually exclusive…just because I live here doesn’t mean I love my family or friends any less…they are my home and the people who have helped shape me into the person I am. So, I’ll carry that with me here in LA and look forward to those times I do get to spend with them, and then when I’m here stay focused on the journey God has for me and not let doubt cloud my vision.

I’m not sure if any of that even made sense…if it didn’t blame the jetlag! Goodnight!

Edisto Island, SC