I took control of my heart back (thought I'm realizing I've never fully handed it over-ever)...I've been self-medicating with music, movies, food and books-anything to give my heart a little jolt of what it feels like it's missing. The high is only temporary and soon after I need another "hit" to make things bearable. I've always known this to be unhealthy (escapism), but wasn't sure how else to cope with the pain. I was reading Captivating last night (I think this is the 3rd time...) and was knocked on my butt my something I'd heard before, but never really got. When I use these various things to "feed" the longings of my heart, I'm essentially telling God He can't fix it, He's holding out on me and that His love just isn't enough-I've got to take things into my own hands. And, ironically enough, all these things do is further divorce me from my heart and numb me out. Instead I should be dealing with the real heartache and turning to God. Ouch. Did you hear that? I just got smacked upside the head with a 2x4. But, seriously...this hit me so hard because that's what I've done pretty much my whole life..."numbing out" is an extreme addiction-I dare say as potent as any other addiction and maybe more so because it seems harmless at the time. Now, let me be clear-I'm not saying movies, music, books, food, etc. are bad, but what I am saying is that using them to try and fill a longing or heartache is. There are plenty of things to learn and enjoy from all of these things, but they aren't meant to replace your relationship with God, but sadly it happens-I'm a prime example.
Quitting is going to be tough, very tough. This quote from Captivating continues to tug at my heartstrings...
“The ways we find to numb our aches, our longings, and our pain are not benign. They are malignant. They entangle themselves in our souls like a cancer and, once attached, become addictions that are both cruel and relentless. Though we seek them out for a little relief from the sorrows of life, addictions turn on us and imprison us in chains that separate us form the heart of God and others as well. It is a lonely prison of our own making, each chain forged in the fire of our indulgent choice. Yet, “Our lovers have so intertwined themselves with our identity that to give them up feels like personal death…We wonder if it is possible to live without them (The Sacred Romance).” -John & Stasi Eldredge
A personal death. Awesome. But, I have to do it if I have any hope at recovering my heart and having an open and honest relationship with God, my family, friends and my future husband. And, I've got to stop hiding...got to.
“Like Eve after she tasted the forbidden fruit, we women hide. We hide behind our makeup. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and punishing withdrawals. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe. We act in self-protective ways and refuse to offer what we truly see, believe, and know. We will not risk rejection or looking like a fool. We have spoken in the past and been met with blank stares and mocking guffaws. We will not do it again. We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, or hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don’t return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts. And it has never occurred to us that in all our hiding, something precious is also lost—something the world needs from us so very, very much.” -Stasi Eldredge, Captivating
I can't even imagine what it will be like to live without these "little affairs of the heart." It's probably going to hurt...a lot...and get worse before it gets better, but I will rejoice because I know that suffering produces endurance, character and hope...all three of which I desperately need. Living this way requires total trust and faith in God-allowing every fiber of my heart to be searched and vulnerable. That idea literally makes my stomach turn flips...but I guess that's what love is-you allow someone full access to your heart knowing they may break it, but counting the cost too high not to let them in. That isn't to say that I think God will break my heart or hurt me, but being that open with Him will inevitably bring up things that I would rather leave hidden in the dark.
So, I guess the question remains-how am I going to do this after so many years of numbing myself-almost always on autopilot? Well, first I've got to relinquish control and trust Him. And, second (this one is gonna hurt) is to not check my heart and brain at the door. I've got to ask myself as I go throughout my day, 'Am I doing this because it is beneficial/I actually like it/I want to be entertained/learn,etc. or 'Am I just trying to distract myself or mask some pain in my heart?' This means I've got to become comfortable with silence and still fingers again. Sometimes just stopping to sit still and just listen teaches the greatest lessons we can learn. Lastly, it also means that I have to respect and take better care of myself. I can sit all my baggage down-leave it on the porch and walk through door and see what's on the other side. If I want to move forward-to have the life I've dreamed of and be all that God intended for me to be then I've got to reconnect with my whole heart and not just the pieces I deem 'acceptable'. Jesus died for all of me-not bits and pieces. It's going to hurt like hell, and before it's over I'll probably be begging for 'When Harry Met Sally' and a piece of cake (with extra frosting!), but bear with me-the labor pains will inevitably cease, giving way to my newly stitched up heart.
PS-Please feel free to hold me accountable to this-that's part of the reason I'm sharing it with you!
Found this on etsy.com a while back-wish I could remember whose it is-sorry! If it's yours let me know so I can give you credit!!
