"A Character is what he DOES." -Donald Miller

Ok. I’m here. I showed up to the page. I didn’t want to, but I did…if you know what I mean. For months the same things have been swimming around in my head, but I’ve refused to let them out and onto the page. You see, something happens when you let a thought leave the recesses of your brain and it shows up on paper or a computer screen. It’s out there. You can’t take it back. It’s gone from a place you kept tucked away in your subconscious, and when that happens it makes it hard to ignore…and if you can’t ignore it, then you have to deal with it. And, as we all know “dealing with things” is usually never a pleasant experience-not in the middle anyway. Dealing with things means pain…loads and loads and loads of pain, and admission of guilt, cowardice, fear, and a gamut of other emotions. Dealing with things requires action, and action requires belief and faith. Action is usually where I stop. I stop because I’m afraid of what life will look like when it’s not neatly wrapped up in the paper and bows I’m used to…when the traces of the “control” I think I have are gone and I’m trusting Someone else. It’s like this image I keep seeing in my head of me sitting on top of a suitcase-the zippers are undone and all these beautiful unknown contents are beginning to creep out. Instead of opening it I keep bouncing around and using all my might to try and keep it closed. I keep asking myself “Why would I want to do that? Why am I so afraid of the treasures that lay hidden inside of it?” I think it’s a combination of things…fear of the unknown, obviously, but sometimes I think fear of success. Success brings expectations not only from yourself, but from other people, and now you have something to lose. I also think I try and keep the suitcase closed because opening it up would mean letting go of the pain from my past and choosing something new, choosing to be happy. Pain definitely serves a purpose and is not always bad, but it can be when we choose to identify ourselves as our pain instead of it being a mere ‘part’ of us…we let it become our definer, which is wrong. God is the only definer of who I am and who you are. And, truthfully, sometimes it feels easier to play the victim and sit in our pain than to work through it and have to take action toward healing and a new life. I think we have to realize that walking forward and becoming whole and being healed doesn’t negate your pain, your past, or what you’ve been through. On the contrary, it is the foundation God uses to build us back up and weave His character into us so we know the hope we have and who that hope comes from. Every breath is a second chance for redemption, and honestly I’m sick of wasting it trying to wait for the right time and perfect conditions and blah blah blah. The truth is that this side of heaven we’ll never be perfect-it’s just not going to happen, BUT that doesn’t mean it’s ok to settle for mediocrity. The dictionary defines mediocre as “only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate.” These are not the words I want describing my life, but these are the words I’ve been settling for, and I’m done.

I’m done playing it safe. I was meant for a life of adventure, full of great scenes and full of people and places I love. Somewhere along the way I swallowed a bunch of lies that led me to believe something different, but I’m purging those out of my system now. I’m choosing life, and life abundantly-that’s what Jesus said He wants to give me so I would be a fool not to choose it. That doesn’t mean life will be easy or that there won’t be suffering or pain, but there will be life… and a story worth telling.

I won’t lie. I don’t know what it looks like other than moving one foot in front of the other…forward motion-one step at a time. As they saying goes “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Of course, the problem with that for a recovering perfectionist is that I want to begin with 500 steps all at once…but I only have two feet, and so do you. We need to remember to give ourselves grace and stop running and hiding when things don’t go perfectly or we don’t know what to do. There are many mountains to be moved in our daily lives and in the world around us, but I truly believe that if we adjust our minds and are present in our lives and allow God to work, He will. For me, it also means not running and hiding at the first sign of trouble or tension in my life. This will be new for me, and hard I’m sure, but I will still choose life because it’s worth it. As Switchfoot says,

“Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through, to let me fall for you, my love?

Do you love me enough to let me go?”

I haven’t been able to let go until now because I didn’t love myself enough or believe I was worth it, but now I know I am…and when you really know that you can’t go back-you just can’t.

So, I will show up to the page of my life and write scenes everyday. Some days I’ll be on fire and some days I’ll be a mess, but I’ll still be here, still fighting-because the world needs my story…and in case I haven’t made it abundantly clear- it needs yours too.

Let’s start writing.

“People get stuck, thinking they are one kind of person, but they aren’t.”

–Don Miller “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”

“But it’s like I said before, about writers not really wanting write. We have to force ourselves to create these scenes. We have to get up off the couch and turn the television off, we have to blow up the inner-tubes and head to the river. We have to write the poem and deliver it in person. We have to pull the car off the road and hike to the top of the hill. We have to put on our suits, we have to dance at weddings. We have to make altars.” –Don Miller “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.

– Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life)